my unwritten rules

this post begins a series of posts i hope to keep updated on a semi-millennial basis.  my unwritten rules are rules which  everyone should already be aware of, and should follow religiously if no one is to get hurt. they are unwritten, because everyone should already know them. hence, they need not be written down.  but i am writing them down here for the sake of posterity.  remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

rule #407

WHEN i am in the park, walking my dog, and i am wearing my headphones, you are not to talk to me.

special considerations:

if you are aged 13 or under, be particularly aware of this rule.  do not approach me, headphones on head, dog in hand, and act as though this is the first time you have ever encountered a four legged beast such as mine and ask incredulously, “does your dog bite?” because my answer, would be, “no he doesn’t fucking bite.  why would i be walking a dog in public which has a tendancy to bite other people? how would that be safe for anyone?  does that even make sense?  i know you must come from some back-water hickville where your ‘pappy’ keeps mongrel mutts which he feeds slop to and occasionally lets run through the fields to attack wild prey, and uses it to protect the home from queers and city folk, but my dog is well adjusted and likes most people (except for you, because you asked such a stupid question) and would never bite anyone, unless they had broken in to my home, and then in that case, well yeah, he does bite; A WHOLE FUCKING LOT.”

other considerations:

i have headphones on.  i am listening to music, not your mouth.

this rule even applies if you are in some kind of distress.  once again, i have headphones on, and i cannot hear you yelling for assistance.

exceptions:

if you are male aged between 29 and 47 and are athletic, handsome, have a good job, and also have a dog, then by all means, please say hi.