for the love of skinny cow

so how far would you go to get your favorite desert?
how far would you go to get a desert you’ve never even tried?
how about 31.3 miles?

that’s what we did the other night to get our dirty little mouths on some luscious new skinny cow strawberry shortcake ice cream sandwiches.  why?  if you have to ask then you’ve never tried skinny cow ice cream sandwiches.  and, i must tell you, if that’s the case, your life is severely lacking.

skinny cow ice cream sandwiches are the best thing to happen to low calorie, low fat ice cream since, well, ice cream.  in fact, (and yes, this is a fact, not just my opinion) skinny cow ice cream is better than regular ice cream.  you bet your sweet ass it is.

it’s so good you’d call the skinny cow hotline, and tell them of your love for skinny cow, and you’d be absolutely stone cold sober when you did it.  and you wouldn’t make fun of them in the slightest while you had them on the phone.  and you’d ask the kind lady sitting in some skinny cow call call center in the heart of skinny cowdom, “do you sell just the ice cream?  i mean, not between two wafer layers, just simply the wonderful creamy icey goodness?” and you’d be dismayed to hear her say, “no. we do not sell only the ice cream.”  but then, you’d perk up when she did say that that was a good idea and she’d pass it on to R&D.  “and how much should we sell?  a quart? a pint?”

as much as you possible can my dear, as much as you possibly can.

and lastly, skinny cow is just so good that when you read on their web site that they now sell strawberry shortcake ice cream sandwiches, which hearken you back to your childhood and make you recall christmas mornings with red fire trucks, pristine snow, that perfect birthday, and your mother’s unending love, you will drive the 31.3 miles to get them because, nothing in life is sweeter.  and columbus doesn’t have a beuhler’s.  fuckers.

my unwritten rules

this post begins a series of posts i hope to keep updated on a semi-millennial basis.  my unwritten rules are rules which  everyone should already be aware of, and should follow religiously if no one is to get hurt. they are unwritten, because everyone should already know them. hence, they need not be written down.  but i am writing them down here for the sake of posterity.  remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

rule #407

WHEN i am in the park, walking my dog, and i am wearing my headphones, you are not to talk to me.

special considerations:

if you are aged 13 or under, be particularly aware of this rule.  do not approach me, headphones on head, dog in hand, and act as though this is the first time you have ever encountered a four legged beast such as mine and ask incredulously, “does your dog bite?” because my answer, would be, “no he doesn’t fucking bite.  why would i be walking a dog in public which has a tendancy to bite other people? how would that be safe for anyone?  does that even make sense?  i know you must come from some back-water hickville where your ‘pappy’ keeps mongrel mutts which he feeds slop to and occasionally lets run through the fields to attack wild prey, and uses it to protect the home from queers and city folk, but my dog is well adjusted and likes most people (except for you, because you asked such a stupid question) and would never bite anyone, unless they had broken in to my home, and then in that case, well yeah, he does bite; A WHOLE FUCKING LOT.”

other considerations:

i have headphones on.  i am listening to music, not your mouth.

this rule even applies if you are in some kind of distress.  once again, i have headphones on, and i cannot hear you yelling for assistance.

exceptions:

if you are male aged between 29 and 47 and are athletic, handsome, have a good job, and also have a dog, then by all means, please say hi.

you are here.

this is my new blog.  this is my new space.  this is my new playground.  this, is cnn.

no, it’s not.  it’s fox news.

okay, seriously; it’s msnbc.

NOT!

i’ve never even watched msnbc.  well, i may have watched it for a few seconds when i was channel surfing.  is that the channel with the financial guy who’s always ranting and raving at the camera?  he’s weird.  you sure he’s not on fox news?  he seems like someone that would be on fox news.

anyway, sit, stay a while.  would you like some coffee?  there’s a starbucks down the street…